Cuties

There is outrage on social media at the Netflix movie called: Cuties.  Many are upset saying, “It’s disgusting and sexualizing our girls.  This movie was made for pedophiles!” Because I am a sexual health educator and mom of a preteen girl,  I knew I needed to watch it. 

The part of the movie that interested me the most was seeing the culture of Muslim women and the conflict they experience with autonomy while following their religious faith and patriarchal cultural expectations. They showed devotion and discipline, but  also showed sadness and heartbreak.  The main character Amy witnessed this firsthand and was conflicted about her destiny as a maturing young lady in modern culture and the heritage in which she was raised. 

I can understand why people are upset. The movie shows preteen girls dancing sexually by way of twerking and hip gyrations. They are rather provocative -- the main character even takes a picture of her genitals and puts it on social media. I am sure people are worried it is setting a precedent. It’s also uncomfortable for a few other reasons: we are uncomfortable with our own sexuality, we remember what it was like to feel sensations of arousal at that age and not understanding them or never feeling them and confused onto why others were, our bodies were changing and we went from child to “woman” overnight, it’s an age where we explore our own autonomy with more fierceness and intention than ever before. 

I get it. As a mother it made me uncomfortable, mostly because of the camera angles and to imagine my daughter doing those moves, but let me tell you what the movie did very well. It clearly depicted how confusing sexuality is for a teen growing up without conversations around sexuality. These girls are figuring it out on their own.  Our society and culture does a wonderful job giving us confusing messages about how girls, boys, or people should be. Our pre-teens find information on social media that may not be accurate, the internet - which involves porn sites, and peers who don’t know any better.  This movie  brilliantly showed the in-between of childhood into adolescence. The girls often laughed and were childlike falling on top of each other in puppy piles,then in the next moment learning how to twerk.  They go in between worlds in a matter of seconds and that is extremely normal for this age group.  

Parents must also feel unsettled by learning this is what life is like for some teenagers. I think the truth of that feels weird and foreign to parents. As a Sexual Health Educator I get the phone calls where parents tell me: “My preteen sent pictures of her naked body to so and so”, or “My 3rd grader was looking at porn”, or “My daughter is having sex and is in 7th grade...how is this happening?!”. We like to think this will not happen but the truth is, is that it does. 

In the movie, the girls have no one to talk with about what they are experiencing. Their emotions are also all over the place in their relationships with each other.  They are friends one moment and enemies the next. All of this is typical for the developing teenager. 

Here is my advice if this movie or depictions are upsetting to you. If you haven’t talked with your kids about sexual health do so right now, and please do so without shame.  Our world is very complicated and we may remember what it was like trying to navigate sex without the conversations, or the conversations riddled with shame.  It is painful and confusing and you do all that you can to fit in or do what you think will be accepted to make you feel, “normal.” That is what this movie shows. It also shows the distress  Amy  goes through, and how she acts out. She tries to figure out how to fit in at school, learn what it entails to be a Muslim girl, navigate her own sexuality, and recognize that as a developed young lady she has some power. It’s sad but true. People with breasts learn quickly how they may need to manipulate a situation to save themselves. 

Conversations with our children need to be comprehensive so they understand they have agency over their bodies. From a young age, we need to acknowledge their emotions, teach them about their body using proper names, and help them understand that if someone is hurting their body, that they need to speak up, and then we need to believe them. Secrets should not be kept between an adult and child.  

The comprehensive conversations you have will help them define what sex means to them,  understand that healthy relationships include keeping their bodies safe, know that porn is fantasy and not reality, know where they can access help if they need it, understand consent and the language around it, love themselves, and the list goes on and on. 

Cuties may make you uncomfortable, but as a parent consider why and then use that perspective to open conversations with your kids - it’s important to get comfortable having frequent, caring and loving conversations around sexuality.