Use Protection

When teaching teens, I ask them to write down on an index card what they have heard about sex from adults.  When I teach boys, their answer typically is “Use protection. “  I ask,  “Anything more? Do you hear anything else?” Their response is, “No.” Then my follow up question is: “What else would you want to hear?” Initially they say nothing because talking about sex is strange. 

I remember being a teenager and not wanting to talk about sex with adults, but I also desperately wanted guidelines, information -- something. We have made it strange in our society to talk about something that most of our population thinks about daily and experiences frequently and that is really odd when you think about it. We also put a weird air of authority and sense of dread and fear around it like a spooky overhang of a building that we put our kids under to “protect” them. However, in doing so, we literally make it more dangerous for them. 

“Use protection.” Yep, good advice, but there is so much more missing from the conversation. For one, without any more information you are just insinuating sex is just a physical act -- like telling someone to put on knee pads and a helmet before skateboarding. The comment doesn’t address the emotional aspects of physical intimacy and ignores the importance of emotional connections, signifying that they don’t deserve more from these physical acts.

How about saying this: “Use protection, because your health and your partner’s health matters. Also, it feels safer and when we feel safe then our experience with physical intimacy feels better because we aren’t as worried and can be more present for our partner and ourselves.  Do you know how to use protection and where to obtain it? Have you been shown how it functions? Do you know the conversations to have around asking your partner about using protection and making sure it’s consensual for you and your partner? Let’s take some time to talk about it, so you feel better when the time comes.”

This is showing our children that we recognize they are sexual beings, that we respect that, and we care so much about them and their potential partner that we want the best for them. This also helps them realize there is responsibility in being physically intimate. 

All too often, out of feeling uncomfortable we are not providing enough information.  It’s like taking a final exam for a semester with only a week’s worth of knowledge.  The message of “use protection,” mostly given to boys, gives them a singular concept of their role in sexual intimacy.  We want more for them so they should also hear things like: “And only do this when you feel ready and cared about.  You too should feel respected and feel like the person adores you.  It’s okay to not feel ready.  Wait until you do.  You are both worth that.” These are the messages we need to practice giving our kids.  It’s the same messages we wish we could have had.